Sunday, October 28, 2012

moving my feet

Recently, I have been struggling with letting go. Just letting go of all my fears and anxieties. Letting go of my hopes and dreams and saying to the Lord "show me your hopes and dreams for me instead of my own." It's kinda hard...not gonna lie. It's like I know that it's what I need to do, but I can't make myself 100% just give up everyyyy little thing to the Lord. I always want my way. It's a problem.

I've been praying about these things. I pray that the Lord will guide me in every way. What friends and relationships do you want me to have? What should I do this summer? What should my major be? What am I going to do when I leave college? I pray about it all the time, and I honestly haven't been feeling like I am getting any answers and it's frustrating.

so I was on Pinterest today.
what day am I not on Pinterest? I don't know..
But today I was just doing my daily Pinterest run-through and I stumbled across this:

Just a simple little quote. Don't know who said it. But it really made me think. I pray about everything I am worried about allllllll zee timmeeeee but am I willing to "move my feet"? Am I willing to do what the Lord wants me to do rather than what I want to do? 

This goes back to my struggle with always wanting things to go my way. And I thought, maybe the Lord is answering my prayers when I ask him what He wants for me, but maybe they aren't what I want, so I'm ignoring Him? 

So as I start a new week tomorrow. My goal, and maybe if you're reading this it can be your goal too, is to seriously listen for the Lord's voice in everything I do- not just ignore Him if it's something I don't think is for me. I need to be willing to move my feet and trust that the Lord knows exactly what He's doing in my life. I need to depend on Him and follow His guiding presence by staying in constant communication with Him: not just asking Him for things I want, but for things that He wants of me. 

In Christ Alone,

Friday, October 12, 2012

here in this waiting room

If anyone knows me at all, they know that I have a big passion for music. Ever since I could talk, I'm pretty sure I was singing. Once I was able to walk, I put on my own shows on the fire place-like many little girls. When we lived at our previous house, we had a huge back porch that had stairs leading down to our back yard. Almost everyday after school, around 1st and 2nd grades, I would stand on the porch by the stairs and imagine my back yard was full of screaming people. I would turn on our outdoor stereo to Martina McBride (her Independence Day album to be precise) and I would lip-sync to her whole CD and like seriously get into it. My neighbor's mom would always be outside gardening or something (wasn't really paying attention cause my eyes where closed getting into the this song) and she would comment on how beautiful my voice was. I was always so proud of myself when she would say that. I would just laugh to myself..."I FOOLED HER." Yeah, I was like 6... I was a sweet child I promise, I guess I could just be a diva in my own mind. POINT BEING I have always loved music.

my sister Kendall (left) and me (right) putting on a show for the rents way back when

Going into my eighth grade year, I learned how to play guitar at a summer camp (Camp Desoto). I saw that the guitar class was offered before I went to camp there and decided to give it a try, so I took my dad's old guitar that he used in high school. I was really discouraged in that class because I was literally the worst one. I became very frustrated because everyone else seemed to catch on so easily. By the end of camp though, I was a little better. 

When I got back, I decided I wanted to take guitar lessons and learn a little more. I started taking from a sweet family friend of ours and actually the same person that my dad took from in high school! I only took for about 5 months and then stopped because I had just learned the basics. 

Eighth grade was the first time I performed singing and playing guitar. I played Alison Krauss' "When You Say Nothing At All" at the talent show at my school (the only year they opened up the talent show to middle schoolers- and of course I was all over that one). It didn't go smoothly at all, but I loved it.

Middle of ninth grade year is when I started writing my own songs. First "heart breaks" are the pits. But HEY I wouldn't be where I am now without them! My songs have always been my "diary out loud": things I wish I could actually say to someone's face or just thoughts or feelings. They're not always about boys, I promise. I have written a few songs about people in my life that have passed away and have left a great mark on me. My songs are just a mix of good and not so good things that have happened to me! Just thoughts and feelings! It's a great therapy.  (If you want to listen to my music, click here.)

Over the years, the Lord has just put things into place when it comes to my music. When people talk about the Lord's timing, I know first hand that He has His perfect timing, it can just feel draining when His timing isn't matching up with ours (selfish, right?).  The song "Waiting Room" by Jonny Diaz has been a good reminder that He has a bigger plan with his timing! Some of the lyrics are as follows:

Here in this waiting room yearning for You to say go
And though I’m convinced that a yes would be best
This time You’re telling me no
It’s not that I don’t have an answer
It’s just not the one that I’d like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You’re always wiser than I
You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in your hands
The things that I seek are from You
Like the strong healing touch of your hand
But when You say no help me trust even though
There’s a reason I can’t understand

When it comes to my music, I've learned to be patient with the Lord's timing. When I was in 10th grade, I tried meeting with several people in Nashville in the music business and they gave me their input on my music and gave my demo CDs to their friends in the music business. They gave me a glimpse of hope when they asked me if they could possibly sell one of my songs to Miranda Lambert or Kellie Pickler. They obviously didn't buy my song, but the fact that they tried was AWESOME.

I went up to Nashville a couple more times after that, and tried to get my music started and also looked at Belmont University, where I would have gone if I had decided I wanted to major in song-writing. After a little while, I kind of gave up on going to Nashville and just focused on school and graduating. 

me and my sister singing at the BlueBird Cafe in Nashville (2009)

singing in Nashville at the Belmont Cafe (2010)

Over the years, opportunities to sing have been put in my lap. I have not gone out there looking for them, honestly. Even though it's my favorite thing to do, I just don't think about going out and finding places to play at in my spare time. And when places and opportunities to sing arise, I've learned this is a part of God's timing and perfect pace.

Today is one of those days where I honestly just want to quit school and move to Nashville and try to make a living. But today is also one of those days where I need to remember that God has a perfect plan and with His perfect plan, He has His perfect timing. If it is God's will for me to quit school and move to Nashville, then He will make that obvious to me. I'm not saying that is going to happen, but I mean if that's what the Lord is calling me to do, then I will answer that call. Until then, I'm in the waiting room yearning for Him to say "go" with whatever he wants me to do with my life, music or not.

In Christ Alone,