These first 2 months here at Auburn, I am starting to learn a lot about myself. I feel like this is the first time in my life I have had so much going on at once. So many emotions about different things going on plus school work and different meetings to attend make my head spin in circles. Normally, I keep everything inside and try not to let it show to others because I don't want them to worry about me, but there comes a point where I just break down. That happened to me this passed Sunday.
I woke up Sunday morning feeling terrible, my throat hurt and I felt like a just ran into a brick wall-my head hurt so bad. I had been so stressed out the few days before that so I decided to skip church. I slept in and made myself some microwave grits (yum..). It looked like a pretty day outside so I decided that since I didn't go to church, I should find a spot somewhere on campus and have some time with the Lord. Best decision I had made in a while.
view from my box (aka, my dorm room)
The air was so crisp and it was about 70ish degrees, it was perfect weather. I found a shady spot under a tree and parked myself. I had my iPod in and I put on my "Christian Music" playlist. The first song that came on was "One Thing Remains" by Bethel. The lyrics are as follows:
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me[
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
Your love
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love
I sat there under the tree and just listened. I thought about the line "constant through the trial and the change." I lost my cousin, who was my best friend, a couple years ago in a car accident and the Lord's love never ran out on me. I have been going through SO MANY changes recently, and the love of the Lord has been the only constant. Another line that stuck out was "it overwhelms and satisfies my soul" and I thought, do I really believe that His love satisfies my soul? So many things I have been going through and I feel like I am so dissatisfied. I've realized I've only felt this way because I'm looking for satisfaction in earthly things that will fade away and never make me happy.
The verse came to my mind, "delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" so I decided to look it up. I went to Psalm 37 where in verse 4 it says this. I read the verses around it and noticed how much I have been in need of reading them.
I started to dissect these verses and apply them to my life. Verse 3: "Trust in the Lord and do good.." TRUST in the Lord. Because so many changes are going on, it has been hard to just trust that everything is going the way the Lord intended it to go. He has a perfect plan, and I am so often the little pestering gnat trying to interfere with everything.
Next verse: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of the heart." DELIGHT yourself in the Lord. Do I really delight myself in Him? And what does it look like to delight myself in the Lord? If I lost everything in this world, I would still have Him- would I be delighted?
verse 5: "COMMIT your way to the Lord, TRUST in Him and he will act." So many times I sit in my quiet times and I'm like: Lord, I commit my ways to you- let everything I do be for your glory. And I believe it that day, for about 2 hours after my quiet time, and I forget because of all the hectic-ness going around. So I'm still striving to commit my way to him and not wander off another path getting distracted. TRUST comes up again in this verse too- trust is harrrrddddd when you only see the tip of the iceberg. I'm struggling with that daily.
The last verse I looked at was verse 7 which reads: "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him." BE STILL. After reading that, I took it literally. I just sat there, listening to what was on my iPod at the time- "How He Loves Us". I was being still before the Lord. I was then overwhelmed with the Lord. I broke down in tears, the tears that had been being built up over the course of almost 2 months. Then I just relaxed in His Presence. It was the best feeling to finally let out this stress that had been building up and just be still.
The most awesome thing to me about my experience on Sunday was that I went to this spot under a tree with no intentions of reading something specific. I brought my "Jesus Calling" devotional book, but I didn't end up opening it. The Lord laid EXACTLY what I needed on my heart and I felt Him sitting right there, next to me by that tree with His arm around me, reminding me that He has always been there. Being in a new place with new surroundings, you feel like no one is ever constantly there with you. But the Lord is ALWAYS with you, holding your hand, looking into your eyes saying "you've got this, babe." If I could pass anything along to whoever is reading this scatterbrained blog of mine, hear this: The Lord is constantly trying to get your attention and is always there for you to come to Him, all you have to do is BE STILL and listen for His voice.
In Christ Alone,
Jessi
